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Newsbiscuit Writer of the Month April 2024

Another great month for Deskpilot again and, unfortunately, another reason to invoke the Wren rule - an author cannot win two consecutive months. However, the Wren rule doesn't seem so harsh this month as eppursimuove has scored equal to Deskpilot, so is crowned as this month's winner. Well done both of you, some cracking subs between you. SteveB has run a great campaign this month too, coming a close second, followed by the mighty Wren himself.

As usual congrats to everyone who got published this month and commiserations to anyone who pitched but didn't make the cut. To find out the cartoon of the month and to read all the published headlines scroll down below the leader board and the full list of subs with hyperlinks.

For non-writers working through this page, this is not only a one-stop review of the Newsbiscuit month but a shining example of what we do. If any of you think you could do as well or better, click the Writers' Room link at the top of the page, sign up and have a go!

Front Page, News in Brief and Features









Ian Searle





Midfield Diamond








Cartoon of the month goes to Lockjaw with his Taking up the slack from the NHS




Public intrigued to discover this week's Tory scandal will be

Sunak's master plan to win election is to defect to Labour

Suspended MPs become main opposition party



Card arriving after 27 years meets Post Office targets

Injured runaway horse is in a stable condition

Paris to be first Olympics to hold a duathlon

Rwanda agrees to accept 10,000 asylum seeking elephants

Struggling Acetone manufacturer insolvent


Ofsted's unwillingness to end one word assessments judged - Appalling



£50 charge to see solar eclipse is 'daylight robbery'

All Scottish police officers now working on hate crime

Cameron certain that more missiles and bombs will de-escalate the Middle East

Cheerful lumberjack feels chipper

Civil servants picket their own gardens in working from home dispute

Dog with two tails not as pleased as expected

Eccentric Roman archaeologist is a hypocaust denier

Harry and Meghan to star in HRH SOS

Heston can't get his badger jelly to set

Household Cavalry advised to hold its horses

Humza Yousaf leaves his greens

Marathon runner in Boris Johnson costume beaten to death

New Scottish climate policy: move to higher ground

Post Office accidentally prosecutes itself

Rishi warned that 100 more Tory MPs may be defective

Stiff reprimand for dodgy Botox doctor

Vote shows 160 Tory MPs get money from Big Tobacco


All Scottish Conservatives arrested under new Hate Crime Law

Angela Rayner may have been Jack the Ripper, claims Daily Mail

Boris Johnson denies being among Mark Menzies' Bad Guys

Ketamine addict just horsing around

OJ runs out of juice


New Scottish song - “10 Green MSPs sitting on the fence”

ian searle      


Grimsby becomes the first city to pay tourists £5 a day to visit

Minister invited to join a Conga questions if is the same dance as the Rumba

Jack the Quipper       


First arrests made under new Scottish posh twat on horseback law

Gaelic Scrabble World Championship runs out of vowels in first round

New York court seeks jurors who live under a rock

Peter Kay announces new 'My Show Needs A New Arena' tour


‘Lefty’ UFOs, ghosts and poltergeists wrecked British economy, claims Truss

Billionaire Rishi spends 2 million of someone else's money to be told how shit he is

Government planning to outlaw 'bad people'

Liz Truss launches new sideline in self-awareness training

jim Skinz       


Australian MP caught up in dunnytrap scandal

Carpenter to receive bevelling up funds.

Man who botched making a cup of tea gets a re-straining order

Mark Menzies: "Well, we haven't had a Tory scandal for almost a week, so..."

OJ biopic to be called Glove Actually

Police apologise for calling Smurf "openly blueish"

Producers of King Arthur epic say it's not set in stone


Lyme Disease specialist uses tick list

Willy Wragg is a euphemism for crusty sock



Angela Rayner 'Not middle class enough' to get away with tax avoidance, say experts

BBC announces new series: Great British Railway Cancellations

Everyone believes that footballer became addicted to cocaine after career ended

Humza, You's Off

J K Trolling

Liz Truss insists her book is a success despite poor sales

Police apologise for calling Home Secretary 'Openly Clueless'

Police officer accused of being 'Openly White'

Post Office to relocate Head Office to Belmarsh

Sick notes only to be given out by coroners, says Sunak

South of England Outrage At Being Subjected to Northern Weather

Thames to be renamed "Sh!t Creek"

Ukraine offers to attack Gaza if US will give them weapons like those they give Israel


Rishi Soon-out


American intelligence warns that Iran could start WW3 within 45 minutes

Doctor MP refuses to support end of life care for Tory Party

Former Post Office boss not even competent enough to run the Tory Party

Mechanic struggles to explain "offside" to footballer

Met Police say London Marathon has helped them find out who runs the streets

So far, 34 out of 300 million Yanks can be unbiased about Trump

Thames Water accuse Boat Race teams of sh!t stirring

Welsh government to now insist cars are driven in reverse at 20mph

Paul L   

Man who 'lit up every room' buried with his favourite torch

ron cawleyoni  

Chaos after Grand National as all horses declare I'm A Maximus, I'm A Maximus.

Sir Lupus     


Chaos in central London: horses caught but govt still running amok


Unseated rider explains: 'It was my first rodeo'


Dick pic distances itself from member

Nudist holiday camp has peek season

Only economic understanding Rishi Sunak has is with the truth

Rishi Sunak's parents still buy him trousers 'he'll shrink into'


April Fools joke both funny and well executed

Social mobility 'not for the likes of you'

You know what this situation needs? More Liz Truss!


Glasgow offers to host games, provided drug testing is abandoned


Starmer "Complety committed" to Nuclear Armaggedon

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Sock Puppets
Sock Puppets
5월 04일

How difficult would it be get this April Winner to appear when you go to the WOTM button at the top?

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